Usually when my husband travels I really have my act together. House is spotless, meals are prepared, workouts are done, relaxing ensues…
Ok, besides that fact that I sleep on the couch because it is easier to escape an intruder than if I had to jump out of my 2-story bedroom window. Aside from that, I’ve got it all together.
This week was quite different. As I tweeted my life away, I was a complete wreck. Dishes left in the sink and all over the place. Clothes thrown everywhere. Toilet paper and paper towel racks lacking said paper. No cooking. Scraping leftover oreo crust from a baking dish for dinner. Dragging myself out of bed. Leaving green monsters stewing in my warm bedroom. Talk about being in a funk.
I’ve been brainstorming ways to feel more secure. My brother comes to stay with me, but I don’t feel like waiting on him hand and foot while he mooches homemade dinners off of me interrupting his life.
Of course, I thought that a security system may help me feel more secure. Then decided we didn’t need the expense. I’d rather buy shoes. And lobster.
Perhaps a dog? I begged for one for 5 minutes, then remembered we are never home. And that we have a new house with new carpeting. And then decided I’d rather get a dog when I have 4 rugrats who won’t can take of the dog like my siblings and I never did.
Yesterday I had an ‘aha!’ moment. A motion detector! Then I’d really feel safe around here. And when the motion detector came on every 5 minutes because there are deer in the yard? Oh. Hmmm..ok. Not so much.
I think I’ve figured it out.
I need my own personal security guard at the house. Perfect. Just a few days a month. Not a huge expense. Kind of like a rent-a-cop at the mall. But I want a cute one. Boy, those rent-a-cops are harrassed, aren’t they??
And along with my security guard, I’d like 3 half-dressed figures, preferably resembling George Clooney, Mario Lopez and David Beckham, to fan me and feed me grapes while I lie on a fluffy, cashmere, velvet bed shopping online for shoes. I would feel SO secure. Not only would I have my own rent-a-cop, but I’d have 3 beefcakes to stare at keep me safe.
Oh, and I’ll make sure to keep the house looking like it does below, because who wants to scour through a mess when you are trying to burglarize a house???
(in the corner would be a box for my new crackberry that I got…2 weeks ago)
(don’t even ask what is on that plate. I don’t remember what I ate last Monday)
(at least oreo baking dish is not available for dinner anymore)
(4 weeks worth of laundry)
Not thoroughly disgusted with me yet? Head on over to Julie’s blog to find out what my fitness secrets are.